The tapestry of my endeavors

Thinking back over all the things I've been through in my life and wondering how in the heck did I get through it?  There are things my kids remember that I either forgot, blocked or medicated away, I'm not saying that is good, I'm just saying that's how it is.  I'm not proud of that.  However my psyche must have deemed it necessary. 

Since my divorce in 2004...(which is almost like being born again...)
I have it almost paid off!  I'm down under $1500.00 ! (it was exorbitantly expensive over $5000.00 and on a credit card to boot!)

I've found a job, which I'm still at (11 years later!) Six of which has been without a raise. 

I've moved twice (the first time out of the marital home, into a duplex with basically dishes, clothes and beds for the girls. everything else I found, picked, borrowed, or bought) (although my parents helped by buying me a bed and a washer & dryer).

I found my soul mate, my Sweet Baboo-without him I don't know where I would be today, (one day I might tell you how I met The Baboo...) :)  He's taught me many things and put up with so much more than he should!  

I raised three kids (at the time of the divorce they were 13, 8 and 5 now they are 23, 18 and 15)

I have been known to pay for items for the kids by saving coins.  I once paid for entire Washington DC trip for the youngest in quarters I saved ($450.00).  :)

Two have graduated which means two parties.

I've taught two to drive and insured those two on my own. (grey hair and empty wallet!)

I've seen three accidents between the two the first of which could have ended the life of the oldest. (more gray hair and emptier wallet!)

I've had my dog die - she was in the ex's care. (she was old and nearly blind and he didn't tell me until he had done it.  Yes, he's a jerk.)

I've had about 8 teeth pulled due to stress and grinding.  (thankfully, that's ended as the stress from the divorce has passed)

I've lost both of my paternal grandparents (my maternal grandparents I lost much earlier)

I've bought four cars. (all on my own without a co signer) (two of which I still have.  One was totaled and one was traded in)

I've stopped balancing my checkbook (for my own sanity sake... and for that same sake I may have to start again.) and yes, I know that's insanity.

I've buried both parents a year and a half apart. For Feathers I had to sign to take him off life support.  (I highly recommend getting a living will folks - he didn't have one hence the decision fell to me.  That literally was almost the end of me - and I still fight to stay in the here and now).

I've lost a cousin and an uncle.

My son has been engaged, and has broken it off. 

I'm closer with my ex mother in law than her own son is. 

I've worked thru probate for both parents, dispersed the estate and inherited a house that my son is "renting" ... (yes the quote marks are there for a reason... but he's getting better...  kinda.)

I've quit smoking.

I quit drinking coffee and pop on a daily basis.

I began eating better - real food. 

I started Yoga, oil pulling and began taking vitamins.

I've thought about quitting drinking, but my I love my sanity. (no. seriously, I should quit!)

I've thought about starting to smoke again, but I love to breathe.

I have begun to wake up with panic attacks (geez I don't know why.)

I've gone from a cellular 'land' line to a cellular device and no house phone.

I've gone from one flip cell phone in 2004 to 3 smart-cell phones and 1 flip cell phone in 2014. (major cell phone bill - M A J O R !!!)

I've realized that water doesn't really taste that bad, even though I still believe it rusts your pipes.  LOL! 

I've been thru four chimney fires, three of which were after I inherited the house. :(

I've thought that frozen pipes at the homestead were going to be the death of me !

I've made more trips to the cemetery than any 46 year old should.

I've gotten back in touch with friends from high school that have really helped me through tough times. (and they know who they are, and how much I truly appreciate them!)

I've not spoken to ... really 'spoken' to my mothers kids since the day of her funeral, because I flipped out on them. but now, sometimes, we text - kinda and I'm totally okay with that.  I wish it could be different, but we were never close anyway.

I've gotten one tattoo for daisy and I am waiting on the other one for feathers (I've got other stuff to spend my money on right now... ) sad but true.

I have failed, I have messed up, I have said things I shouldn't, I've beaten myself up mentally for all of the above and more.  Why?  It's my personality I guess.  Virgos like orderly and perfection.  I tell myself everyday (sometimes more like 10 times a day)...  "it's okay.  You're Human."  I try to believe it, I do most times. Other times... I'm off into the abyss... 

Looking over this list I have realized that the person I am today is not who I was in 2004 nor in 1986, the year I graduated.  I've also realized that who I am is not who I thought I'd be and it's not who I will be in a month, a year, or in five years.... I think that's what is supposed to happen as we age, we grow right?!  All our views change as life happens.  Life forms you, weaves your soul into a beautiful tapestry of all your endeavors, good and bad, you are a sum of all your parts, experiences, hopes, fears, dreams, experiences, successes, failures, and mistakes.  If that didn't happen we'd constantly be stagnant, never growing.

Most kids probably gain experience in college.  I didn't go.  I skipped directly over into full fledged adulthood!  My entire adult hood has been one giant learning curve.  Maybe that was a good thing...I don't know, but that's how it played out so that's what I have to deal with, ya' know...?