Feathers and December

It's that time of year again.  The Holidays. <said in sarcastic tone> I used to love the holidays when I was young. Something happened as an adult that changed all that.  I think it started when the stores began to put the Christmas decorations out right after Halloween.  Or, maybe it was because of the business I was in during my early adult hood - newspapers.  We worked on our Christmas campaigns from July until the end of the year so basically that was 6 months of Christmas.  That's enough 'holiday' to choke a horse! Or maybe it's because I don't have little people in the house anymore.  

I really don't know how, but the holidays have lost their sparkle.  Now it's just another pain in my arse.  I've always tried to try to "live Christmas everyday"... so when society demands that I celebrate and be happy, joyful, and shop 'til I drop it tends to stick in my craw.  My family knows that I give everything I have all year long.  If they need it they get it, if they want it I try my best to give it.  If there is a reason to celebrate (even if there isn't), I'll be the cook or the host of a party even if it's just for the people that live in the house (especially in the summer!) 

Feathers 2009/2010

More recently though, (and those of you that know me in real life already know this), I lost my Pops (most unexpectedly) 10 days before Christmas in 2012.  Just One year and 6 months after I lost my Momma. (NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR! <stomping>)  If that doesn't dampen your holiday spirit I don't know what will.  I don't remember anything from last Christmas.  Not. One. Thing.  (Not surprising I suppose given the circumstances).  I do remember saying "I'm sorry" a lot to the kids, to Baboo, to everyone as the Christmas spirit and my Pops had been ripped from me.  It seems as though it's going to be that way again this year however hard I try to fight to "find Christmas".   Just when I seem to find it; a flashback from 2012 comes in my mind and I get to relive the first 15 days of December 2012 all over again.  It's like having PTSD or something.  I'm not trying to make light of PTSD by any stretch, but it's just what I can equate it to for some people to understand.  Sometimes I just need the space to grieve a little, sometimes I can work thru it... Other times it's a complete and utter breakdown.  This isn't a situation that you just "get over" afterall, I've lost both parents in a year and a half (roughly 550 days).  That is effin' traumatic, so if I happen to 'Flip Shit', spontaneously start to tear up or even out and out breakdown and cry... overlook it in an understanding way or give me a shoulder, box of tissue and a beer cuz there ain't nothing you or I can do about my feelings during this time of year - (Especially this year, the first anniversary of Feathers' death). Hell, I don't know... this maybe a thing I've got to go thru for a few years.  I don't really know ...

I've said this before and I'll say it again.  It's way easier for me to say that "I hate Christmas" or "I hate the Holidays" than to admit I miss my Momma and my Pops.  Plain and simple.  People of all walks can identify with the "hate" of the holiday hustle and bustle.  It a 'safe' comment that won't get the "awe I'm sorry face" or the comment of "chin up buttercup" (which I absolutely "A B H O R" by the way)...Not that I don't appreciate the caring nature of folks, it's just that sometimes I just don't want to face the facts (I'd rather be an ostrich)  at that particular moment, since I've faced (or tried to face) them every single day since December 15th of 2012.  I can hide there unassuming and feel almost normal by saying that.  Otherwise, I feel that everyone can darn near see that I am an adult orphan often paralyzed by the loss of my parents. I suppose that is normal in the first year after a death of a parent I don't know, and I'd really rather have both of my parents than to find out how to deal with this shit.  This sucks.  

If you read my previous post about Daisy, you'll know we were well aware of the cancers toll that ultimately took her from us a little at a time.  Somedays I think this was better as we got to say our goodbyes and prepare for her to go, to the point of praying for her relief in her death.  (Cancer is an ugly ugly bitch, that unfortunately sometimes make you pray for the end).  Feathers (Pops) on the other hand was taken so soon, and incredibly quick; it was and still is very hard to comprehend. It's like a freakin' sucker punch to the gut that has you doubled over, on your knees, writhing in pain, struggling to catch your breath. Pops' death was exacerbated by the fact he did not have a DNR or a living will. I along with his two sons from his first marriage had to make that decision based upon what we knew Pops would want.  It wasn't easy.  We knew and know now it was the right decision, however ... yea... Signing those papers took part of my soul; and losing my Pops damn near sent me into the dark abyss I had/have to fight tooth and nail every day to stay in the real world. (So do yourself and your family a favor and get your shit in together now!  You do not want to put them thru that experience!)

I know life is terminal. (chew on that!)  Sometimes I think my sadness in losing them both in such a short period of time is selfishness, and maybe that selfishness comes from being an "only" child in a family of his, hers and "ours"... Afterall "they" had them longer than I did. (yep, that certainly rings of selfish to me!) Other times I just think "DAMN! that is a lot to deal with in such a short time"! Not that either of those two thoughts make dealing with the situation any damn easier.  I'm just grasping at straws trying to wrap my brain around how to fully function without two of my best friends and cornerstones of the family. 

I know Feathers and Daisy are always with me in spirit, but you can't hug a spirit!

 And that is the part that sucks the most! 

Daisy about 1950 and Feathers 1957 Graduation Photo
Daisy 10/7/1936 - 7/31/2011
Feathers 4/2/1939 - 12/15/2012