You can go home again...but, you might not like what you see.

There is something to be said for going home.  I am fortunate to still live in the same town I was born in. Not something that everyone can say.  I always have lived here and probably always will.  However, a lot of folks don't have the ability to go back to their hometown, for whatever reason.  I think it's cathartic if you do.  You've got to see that things change, people just like yourself move on, grow and evolve - just like the town. It's hard for me to see that since I live in my hometown.  It's like not realizing how big your baby has gotten until you don't see him for a weekend, or you look back at last years school picture... (We've all experienced that as a parent!) That moment you realize you want to grab on tight, in hopes they will always be exactly as they are in that moment! (Right?! it's not just me is it?)  

www.futurenostalgia.org



I have had the chance to visit my Baboo's hometown a few times.  I've met his childhood friends and their families.  It is quite different from my hometown.  It's nestled in a valley in Pennsylvania.  In Baboos mind it should never change! It's been 30 years since he left on a greyhound bus with nothing but a duffle bag and the hopes of a job in Ohio.  He hadn't been back in about 10 years when he took me the first time.  But the steel mills there were shuttered long before that, just after he left.  They are quite literally the heart of that town... or they were.

That first trip was enlightening for both of us.  I got to see where he grew up and put faces to the names & stories, and he got to share more stories and memories with me.  It brought us a lot closer.  More than I would have imagined.  It was a topic we had never had the ability to discuss on the same plane; to me his "hometown" stories were just stories, and the places were just nondescript places with nondescript faces. That first trip was a window into a part of his world I hadn't been before.  After all, we live in my hometown. He's met some of my friends, seen my school, my childhood home, etc... 

Once there I got the feeling that this town, no matter how big it got, no matter how many people moved in or out, the core of the town remained the same.  Its a working class blue collar town with a bar & a church at just about every other intersection and the people are as colorful as the leaves in the fall. They talk football (obviously it's Steeler Country) baseball, and hockey, attend the Friday night high school sporting events and support one another as best they can.  Somehow, I get the feeling I have another hometown, where I'd be welcome anytime.  This is probably why I've adopted this town into my heart, and care about what happens there. 

This trip was difficult.  They had begun razing what was the anchor of the town.

Old photo of the bridge & mill

current birds eye view of the razing, in the top of the photo you can see
part of the mill is left, the bottom is reminiscent of a bombsite...It's
quite sad.

(the above picture is just outside of town at Hinkston Run)

 That was hard to see.  I tried to put a positive spin on it for him.  And told him it was progress. It was hard for him to see the city he called home for so many years in such a disheveled and dilapidated state.  Between the steel mills coming down, and houses literally falling apart from lack of care it really broke his heart. The downtown area is a shell of it's former self with shuttered storefronts and businesses.

It really is almost impossible in some parts of the town to see what was at one time hustling & bustling areas. Some parts are just literal ghost towns, others are on the verge of demise trying to fight to stay relevant.  It truly is sad to see. I can't image what how I would feel if that was my beloved hometown.  I'd be depressed. Unfortunately these people are.  Maybe not entirely in spirit, but to some extent you can't be around all that and not have it affect you on some level.  I know we were there for 2-1/2 days and we were both affected by the surroundings of the city.  The outskirts, the mountains, the natural beauty is still there, mind you.  Maybe that's what anchors these valley folks to such a place? I don't know.   

If any city can make a comeback, this one can.  It did after the floods.  With the help of the people.  ALL of the people!

Johnstown, Pennsylvania, the site of a flood in 1889 that killed over 2,000 people,
was again hit by deadly floods in 1977.
 (Photo by Chuck Manula, The Tribune-Democrat Johnstown, Pennsylvania)
side note:  Baboo was in the flood of 77... he got out of his house on the second floor and into a rowboat.

Although those were different generations that rebuilt the city.  I'm uncertain if today's community has the wherewithal to recover, rebuild, and begin anew. However this last visit is giving some signs of hope.  A new park, a new building here, new businesses (albeit small businesses), the old shells of the mill coming down, they are all great starts.  But the city itself needs more than buildings, and finances.  The people themselves need to start caring again, collectively, about the town.  It's as though once the mills closed, the town slowly stopped caring, stopped doing, stopped thriving.  If they can successfully remove the blight (structural and otherwise if you get my drift), then maybe the attitudes will change again.  When the attitude of a community changes, so do the surroundings and the town can be returned to it's old glory in a new way and thrive again. I know it won't happen overnight, but like I told Baboo on this last trip, at least they are finally doing something!  

                
I so want to hope for more!  I'd love to see the downtown full of traffic, pedestrians, store fronts and businesses, instead of vagrants, the homeless, the drug dealers, sitting in the park just waiting.  I hope to one day see the various neighborhoods with freshly painted homes, mowed lawns, flowers; instead of skeletons of houses with windows knocked out, porches falling down, and weeds so high you could mistake it for an old growth forest!  I can hope for that.  I will hope for that!  I must hope for that, even if I don't live in that town. Because this town is representative and echoing what is happening in towns all across the country.  It must change, and it must start somewhere, and change starts with hope!  

This is NEWS?

Too much of the days news (ABC/NBC/CNN etc... ) seems to be less news more "tabloid".   

I want news; plain old news. Important happenings, that are truly pertinent to my well being. 

You know what I am talking about!  What's happening in the weather cuz goodness know on the East Coast, weather changes at the drop of a hat! I need to know the governmental happenings at my local and state level and how they are trying to screw me so I can try to research how to not let that happen and whom I have to oust in the next election! I want to know about new developments in the cure of diseases, like that bitch Cancer, or the S.O.B. Alzheimer's, or the curse of any of the other godforsaken diseases out there.  I need to know if there is a crime issue in my area that I need to protect my children from.  
I DO Not NEED ANY the following:

 * Update on any "unreality/reality TV Star" Especially:  The Kardashians, the bachelor/ettes, etc. ... If I wanted that information I'd watch the shows. (which I don't so I really could care less.)

* Anything private on individuals and or politicians.  It really isn't our business! And in some instances borders on shaming and bullying.  We already have enough on most politicians to fire them on the spot. And, as far as private individuals being put on the news for mistakes?  I mean really?  Unless it's kidnapping, murder etc... do we really need to know that someone screwed up and called 911 over 5 beers his ex wife wouldn't give him? I don't think so.  I could have made it through the day without knowing that! and I'm sure he could have lived without the public damnation.

*Any of the "new 'study' shows..."  This one is absolute bullshit to cover space.  Studies are basically lies anyways.  Look it up.

* News posts on the weird... "Strangest hotel jobs", "diver spends five days underwater", "the princess filed the babies birth certificate and used the term "princess" to identify herself" (well duh !). "Guy eats 175 wings in 15 minutes" (yuk).

* New diet trends.  Please people, a "tongue patch"? The pain of it makes you less likely to eat? Wow.  Just eat less and move more.  If that isn't working consult your doctor. Simple.

* "Signs you may have..." One was... "Adult ADHD"?  Seriously?  PUHLEEZ ! (sorry I have never believed this one.  It's called "your parents should have paddled your ass more as a child.")

* Breaking news of infidelity in Hollywood. (seriously?)  The breaking news would be the couples that do stay together.  

* How much A-Rod (or any sports player) will lose if he's banned from baseball/football/cycling, etc...)  News Flash:  Baseball is NOT a job.  It's a sport. NOTE TO TROUBLED PLAYERS:  Lose the drugs, quit "your sport", and get a real damn job. 

* Ways to be Gluten Free, Vegan, Vegetarian... come on!  If you want to be any of those things you probably already are in the inner circle of the folks that practice these and I'm sure any doctor could assist you.  Besides no one should get this kind of advice from the 'net'. 

I'm not joking when I say these are from reputable "news" sites - Not from the Facebook news feed.  

Comment Cacti

Have you ever read a news story, got to the end and read the comments section?  I did. 

Good Lord Almighty is the world blessed with idiots or what?  From ramblings that border along the line of a teacher grading a senior thesis to just plain old jerks with snappy comebacks and backstabbing.  Or the occasional prophet spouting the "hell-fire and brimstone" routine, they are all out there.  You know you've seen them too and just think ... "Dude:  You are one giant cactus!" (aka... Cactus, bigger than a prick)

Seriously is this what we've as a society have become?  I try to refrain from reading the comments but it's kinda like that car wreck you know you shouldn't slow down to look at but you do.  Sometimes I just gotta know what kind of people a particular story is bringing in.  Most days I hit the jackpot of idiots!  But today I think I found "THE King of Kings of Cacti.  "I really shouldn't have bothered to look.  I think from now on, I will refrain.  Seriously.  

I ran across this Cactus when I was reading a news story about the Michelle Knight, Gina DeJesus, and Amanda Berry.  For those of you that don't know just google any of their names the story will pop up.

This Cactus stated:

"I hope Castro got conjugal visits in his plea bargain. None of them are particularly good looking, that may have been last call. You just can't condone how he treated them though."

Really out of everything you could have said about these three women that have withstood countless hours of abuse, rape, beatings and God know what else; you have to comment on their looks?  and Castro's conjugal visits.??  Then follow it up with a piddly olive branch of " you just can't condone..."  BULLSHIT!  

You sir, are a P.O.S.  I wonder how you would handle 10 or more years of captivity with little food, chained up, no water, no light, no bathroom, and being raped repeatedly and beaten.  You lilly livered sap suckin son of a saguaro; ought to be banned from the world for the lack of common sense you damn jerk.  Go spew your vermin views to your hard up buddies at the local bar, if you can waddle out of your mother's basement. 

Since this story broke I have not run across one comment that I would consider to be "trollish"  not even "cactus status."  These ladies are a true testament to the human spirit, and what relying on one's inner strength can do.  They faced down and lived with the devil if you ask me, and, the best part?  THEY CAME OUT ALIVE!!!  A miracle we've all prayed for. I wish them all the happiness God can bestow upon them!  They deserve it! 

Feathers and Daisies, What's in that name?

Feathers and Daisies one would assume, is about feathers and daisies.  It is not. (I'm not that kind of crafty - and assuming gets you... well you know).  The name pays homage to my parents, Feathers for my father, and Daisies for my mom.  (...don't worry not all my posts will be like this.  I just want you to know a bit about the name...) This was a painful thing to write.)

 

Daisy, my husfriend, Baboo nicknamed her that; years ago when my father was hospitalized and he drove her to see him.   He picked her up and told her she had to ride in the back…in jest of course.  From then on she called Baboo; “Hoke”, and we all called her “Daisy”.   Even my Dad would call her Daisy on occasion when he would talk to me about her.   (see; the nickname thing even happened to my mom! good grief!) 

 (the pic above is Daisy in the wig... She looked great in it...)

Losing Daisy was a long slow horribly painful journey.  It started back somewhere around 2004 if my memory serves me correctly.  She found a small lump on the exterior of her breast/chest area.  She never said anything to anyone until it was golf ball size.  She thought it was a boil and went to go get it lanced.  It was immediately apparent to the Doctor it was not.  The very next day she went to a surgeon.  They scheduled biopsy, surgery, chemo, radiation… it was LIVING HELL.  LIVING HELL. (Cancer delivers a special kind of hell for the onlookers and outsiders, the ones that sit on the sidelines suffer too but you knew that.) I watched her lose her hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes.  To a retired beautician that was the worst.  I watched her lose her breast.  I watched as my Dad doted on her every day, hours on end.  He spent countless hours changing bandages, cleaning drainage tubes, washing her, taking her to doctor’s appointments, keeping up with the cooking and the cleaning as best he could.  I watched him age about 10 years in one alone!  

I would watch as she would try to eat, but the sores in her mouth made it damn near impossible, her taste buds were so fried everything tasted like metal.  Everything even her favorite thing (and mine too)… Beer! (we've spent many a hour bullshitting and fixing the worlds problems over a couple of beers on the back porch.!)

I watched her waste away right before my very eyes.  From the moment she lost her hair, and then eventually her breast I knew deep down I was losing her forever.   My half-sister and I took her to get a wig before she lost all her hair so she could try to keep up appearances, because my mother never went anywhere without her hair “did”… she liked the wig, but would very rarely wear it.  We bought her a “fake boob” as mom would call it… she tried to wear it.  She said it bothered the thin skin at the mastectomy site, so there went that, back in the box.

She eventually got her hair back, gained weight, started to eat, even drive again (that was about 2006 ish or so)  But slowly over time when I went over there, which at that point was about once a week, I was noticing not only was she depressed she was very angry all the time, and frail.  Very negative.  So not like Mom.  She was generally always the “look on the bright side…where’s your faith?” type… Now she wasn’t. I tried my best to get her to tell her doctors about her moods, to no avail.

She was more depressed, drinking, falling (secretly smoking... grrr) … I thought she was having mini-strokes…In about 2010 after a trip in an ambulance because she couldn’t breathe … they had to drain a pocket of fluid from her back on the exterior of her lung.  The results were devastating! The cancer came back in her lungs.  I was completely and utterly shocked.  Mom and Dad had a conversation unbeknownst to me at the time; until she got home; and she told me that they decided that neither one of them could go thru the chemo thing again.  It was over.  She was just going to live until "it" took her.  THE HARDEST THING I EVER HAD TO HEAR. And I'm sure that was the HARDEST DECISION THEY EVER HAD TO MAKE, and what courage that showed!  But somehow in my mind I knew it was coming.  I think everyone that hears the word Cancer, subliminally prepares for the worst.  It sucked. It sucked the life out of mom (literally), my dad, me, the husfriend/Baboo, and the kids too for the next year. 

The day we had to call hospice in and they brought in the oxygen, the morphine, and host of other drugs…  I lost it.  I literally lost it. Not in front of them.  I don’t remember much of it.  That whole year is a blur. Moments I remember; showering her, doing the laundry for them, going over to let dad have some 'dad" time out and away... the first time I gave her morphine, and of course the "waiting to be pushed off a cliff" kind feeling every day. I remember those moments.   

Near the end, I remember Baboo going over one to the house.  He peeked in her room, and everyone (the "halfs" - 2 of her 3 kids from her first marriage) she hadn't spoken or opened her eyes in days...

I told her kinda in a soft voice:  Momma..."Hoke is here"  

She turned her head looked at him and said clear as a bell:

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?" 

 I laughed my ass off ! (Still brings a smile to my face)

Where she mustered that strength from after days of being "out of it" I just don't know!?!

I remember sleeping over there, taking turns with Dad and Deedub, staying up with her, listening to her breathe. Reading and/or crying the 23rd psalm the night to her the night before she died, putting the "happy death cross" and her rosary in her hands trying to remember the prayers to the rosary... moments, like flashes of a stop frame motion picture of pain still to this day. Until the day she died.

July 31 2011.

Their 44^th wedding anniversary.

(10-7-1936 to 7-31-2011). 

(The pic above is Daisy in her late teens so about the 1950's)

I remember getting a call from DeeDub that she was going quick... I had taken a break to go home for a bit.  Damn it all to hell i wish i never did.  I missed being there for her, with her to see her off! By the time I traveled the 5 or less miles at well over every speed limit posted... she was gone.  She was gone. Her pain was over.  Our pain of watching her suffer was over, but a new kind of pain had begun.  The pain of her absence.  It's still with me to this day.   She left a hole in my soul that
no one - anywhere - will ever, never be able to fill. 
She taught me as much during life as she did during her illness and even since she passed on.  It's amazing the lessons that come from beyond this world (You've just got to listen for them).   

Love you Momma (Daisy) !  xxxooo <3

So there you have the "Daisies" portion of the name of my blog.  The "Feathers" portion will come at a later date, when I can muster the strength to put into words those 15 days of gut wrenching pain.

Hi!  This is "blog one".  It may be "blog last" too, it depends if I can figure all this out.

The names have been changed to protect the innocent :)

Anyhoo... I am a mother of three great kids.  A Son; "Deedub" is 22, A Girl; "Middle" is 17, and to complete the trio is "Little" and she is 14.  I was married to their father for 13-1/2 years or there about (It seems as though I was another person then).  That divorce was a hell that I will keep to myself, because I don't live that life anymore.

I live a great life with a great guy.  We are not married (don't judge it isn't nice).  We call each other "Baboo" I have not a clue why.  But anyone that knows us, knows that's par for the course.  Everyone gets a name other than their own it seems in our house.  Our Dog, who's name was Star, also answered to any of the following:

Lardo J. Bucket, Buck, Lardo, StarBaby. (See what I mean?  Crazy. I mean who names their dog multiple names? and for that matter what dog answers to them all? To me it's totally normal.)  Sadly Buck passed away in July of 2011.  She is greatly missed. 

We are also guardians of a cat.  Murphy.  Her real name is Dusty, but is currently known as "The Meerkat". (See what I mean?  It happens every time!) We originally were supposed to have "Meer" for a week or two... It's been over a year.  She's adopted us, and trained us well.  Baboo was so excited to learn that cats "go" in a box he decided he might actually like her.  This is his first cat, can you tell?  She gives paw, comes when she's called via a whistle or any of the names we've given her, runs to the door to check out who is coming in, basically every non-cat characteristic known to man.  She's a dog trapped in a cats body I swear it.  I've often wondered if she is Buck reincarnated.  Whatever she is we love her. I mean really, how couldn't you?  Just look at her. 

So where was I?  Oh yea, Baboo... (sorry I get off track sometimes).  Baboo has two grown children of his own and had the guts (or insanity) to take in 3 more kids and me when we decided it was the right time for me to move in.  I can tell you it isn't always easy, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  He keeps me grounded.  He's a wonderful step-dad to the kids. (I've heard stories from his kids about how he's mellowed.  That's probably a good thing.)  Even though his mental state is somewhere between slightly askew and certifiable, and mine rivals his, but add estrogen & PMS (you get the picture.)  I love him all the same.  I can't and will not imagine a day without him in my life or our "blended families" life.

So there is a little background about me.  I might write about any of the peeps in my life, or something I see, feel or hear. I may write about sad moments, or I may just bring you a taste of the crazy that is my insanely blessed life.  I may write about things that tick me off or make me deliriously happy.  I'll try to stay positive about things, however if I'm ticked you'll know !  I might even use a "bad" word now and again, and if you know me, the might is more like absodamnlutely! I also may disappear for awhile, so don't worry.  It just means I'm either busy at work (which of course is where a lot of this will make it to the web... Hush don't tell the bossman) or I just don't have a clue about what to write.